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….when a woman verbally or even non verbally disses a man in the instinctive behavioral areas such as his sex drive and his drive for honor simultaneously, she can be putting herself at serious risk….
The circumstances between model/actress Jasmine Fiore and the reality show contestant Ryan Jenkins are a prime example of how instinctive drives related to “The Mammalian Way”™ can work against the human condition when it fuels rage. However, in the case of behavior as extreme as murder-suicide, it always has a cognitive (learned behavior) connection as well. But it is also mostly due to a huge lack of understanding about “The Mammalian Way”™. Such is the basis for most of the conflict known as, “The War of the Sexes”.
Other than humans, all male mammals would never murder his female and then kill him self. Rather, he would run off all the other males who are after his female, and in the process he might kill one of them.
That is normal male mammal behavior. The drive to behave that way is wired into each and every human male born. Men can be quite volatile when some other guy tries to move in on a female he sees as “his own”. It’s natural mammalian instinctive behavior to do so. But to kill her in the process of running off the other males, that’s strictly learned behavior, and this volatile behavior is not uncommon between men and women in relationships, when they deal with relationships issues, although it usually does not end in death.
Meanwhile, the psychology of women, especially those who see themselves as “empowered women” tends to negate the fact that men are instinctively wired to behave very different than women when it comes to social behavior in relationships.
Unless you’ve read my book titled, “The Mammalian Way” it is easy to assume that a woman in a relationship can dis a man to the same degree that she might accept a dis and that her behavior is socially acceptable. And perhaps this is so. Believe it or not, like it or not, when a woman verbally or even non verbally disses a man in the instinctive behavioral areas such as his sex drive and his drive for honor simultaneously, she can be putting herself at serious risk. Case in point is the Jasmine Fiore-Ryan Jenkins matter. We’ve heard the psychatrists and other professionals analyze the behavior of the couple and even draw some conclusions.
But what if the professionals are all analyzing such behavior as murder-suicide using the same incomplete paradigm? What if the behavior between Jazmine Fiore & Ryan Jenkins, or, Steve McNair-Sahel Kazemi could have been predicted and/or averted? What if either one in either of the pairs knew how to discern the difference between a lovers quarrel and potential disaster, as well as where & how such behavior emanates? It’s very much about human psychological defense mechanisms (one for women, one for men) designed to protect us from harm, but because of certain circumstances the defense mechanism that helps us to contend with our instinctive behavior somehow goes awry. What then?…
You truly need to read the book “The Mammalian Way”. Do not be deceived. Know how to see the danger OR the love. Be safe AND happier.
….later I posed the question to CEO, “What if I had been the one to sneak up behind you and gave both of your breasts a good squeeze? How shocked would SEC likely have been then”?….
Perhaps the most interesting aspect of Mad Men, the AMC TV series is the fact as we take a trip back in time a few decades to be entertained by how things were between men and women as relationships go, we are also enlightened that even by today’s “standards” what the genders are attracted to in each other really has not changed much at all. There in lies the timelessness of the knowledge about and how to apply “The Mammalian Way”™.
One of my readers asked point blank, “Do I think things have changed between then (The 1960’s where the Mad Men mini series is set) and now”? The reader is a woman in her twenty’s and has been acclimated to a new profile in the work place where political correct language & behavior is the rule and any conversation related to sex can be construed as sexual harassment.
As for the work place, I say that a change in men’s acceptable behavior was long over due. This is chiefly because for centuries or even longer men have been free to behave overtly sexual in front of women and they were able to do so with little or no risk of reprisal for behavior that might be construed by women as unacceptable. This is also a big part of the sociological persona rendered to/by the characters portrayed in “Mad Men” who work for the Sterling-Cooper Ad agency.
Has behavior like that changed? Again, it’s all in who you speak with. For example,
Not long ago I was running my operation out of an office inside a photography studio, one of a group of offices located inside a convention center that over looked an atrium. This typically made it easier to see people as they walked to and from office to office.
Four doors down from me was a small IT company who’s 41 years old female CEO became a dear friend and sex buddy to me who I will call CEO. Her company had 3 employees. Two part time techies and a 23 years old female secretary I will call SEC.
SEC is very shy and quite politically correct in her behavior toward others and expects as much in return as well. CEO is similar to me in that she is more about letting others teach her how to treat them so political correctness is something she uses as a communications tool if and when others need to interact via complete politically correct behavior in order to feel safe and comfortable. This is also to say, politically correct behavior is more cognitive learned behavior and will therefore at times come into direct conflict with the more natural behavior indicative of “The Mammalian Way”™. Meanwhile,
One day I walked into CEO’s front office looking for a cup of coffee. No one was there so I just proceeded to pour a cup. However, CEO who had been there all along hiding behind a door snuck up behind me and got so close she literally placed her breasts directly in the middle of my back. Given that this was indeed unusual office behavior (and something that might occur in the show “Mad Men”) I sensed that my friend and sex buddy wanted something.
So, without spilling a drop of coffee I slowly turned around, looked at CEO in the eyes and asked sheepishly, “What do you want”? She smiled, I smiled, then CEO said, “I need some photos shot to finish a project and I’m nearly out of money for it”. I interrupted her and said, “So you’re bribing me with breasts”. CEO answered, “Yes”! Then I asked as I pointed to her chest, “And I suppose all the rest of you goes along with these beauties”? CEO answered, “Oh my yes”! …As I was about to say “fine” I noticed SEC who had been away from the office to get the mail and who neither CEO nor I saw walk in had also been standing there long enough to have seen and heard everything.
It dramatically changed the mood in that SEC was so visibly shocked by our behavior she set the mail on her desk and went for a walk. This also lead to her leaving early for the day. Since appropriateness and productivity had been affected by our behavior it prompted CEO and I to apologize to SEC the next day.
Frankly, we were a little surprised that SEC seemed as psychologically shocked as she appeared to be by our behavior. Still, even though our behavior was deemed inappropriate for a standard business environment it’s how CEO & I behaved with each other and SEC basically knew that.
SEC eventually seemed to have recovered from what she saw and CEO & I employed a bit more discretion in our behavior during “office hours”. Beyond that nothing came of it. Although I suspect that SEC began to realize that in the real world, even with rules that amounts to social norms or mores’ humans tend to treat each other as individuals, and in that, “The Mammalian Way”™ tends to prevail. In fact, that’s the actual social norm that I find works best for all psyche’s considered. Meanwhile,
A couple days later I posed the question to CEO, “What if I had been the one to sneak up behind you and gave both of your breasts a good squeeze? How shocked would SEC likely have been then”? At that CEO just rolled her eyes and we bust out laughing.
The point is “Mad Men esque” behavior is still alive and well in and out of the work place, and will probably always be that way because it plays to our most basic mammalian instincts. The source to further understand this and related matters is the book titled, “The Mammalian Way”™. It’s a book that everyone past puberty needs to read if you intend to survive in the real world of people, especially if you desire more pleasure-less pain in your everyday relationships in “this” day and age.
You are at, www.garyjamesblogs.com I do not encourage comments here. Email gary.jms1@gmail.com OR, http://www.twitter.com/garyjames OR, click the link to buy my book titled, “The Mammalian Way”.
Could the injuries & fatalities that occurred on 8-4-09 at the LAfitness club near Bridgeville, PA have been avoided? Possibly. That is if Sodini or who ever he went to for therapy (If he went to therapy) new about the true issues that surround human instinctive behavior, behavior I call, “The Mammalian Way”.
From what I’ve read in his blog, George Sodini’s behavior is directly related to a lack of knowledge about a most important psychological-sociological discovery I made about human unlearned behavior. For men, they have an extraordinary intense & instinctive need for honor & sex. (And it’s very different for men than women.)
I mention the fact it’s different for men and women because I have found if you want to help humans make a reasonably permanent and positive change in their behavior then such modification begins with an understanding of how each gender responds to their own set of instincts, especially the ones that effect social behavior.
For example, most people who read my book, “The Mammalian Way” are initially surprised to learn that between sex & honor it’s men’s sense of honor drive that typically causes men the most trouble and causes the most pain in their lives. And whether you are a long time licensed therapist (psychiatrist, psychologist, social counselor, etc) or an ordinary civilian who interacts with other people, you need to read my book and learn about the theory I developed over several decades. Why?
Because, so long as we live in an increasingly unsafe world without such knowledge you will have an ever increasing probability and more risk of pain in your life, pain that can be avoided. Such was the case for George Sodini as well as 3 dead and several other injured women. The mammalian way of things, that I am certain is at the root of that tragedy bit them bad.
…The issue is, our instinctive behavior now runs a constant collision course with our learned behavior. It’s an earth wide issue and over the last few decades at least it has brought the human condition face to face with it’s own existence….
“What Is He Thinking? Sanford Violates All Rules of Sex Scandal”. This is one of the headlines Fox News used in reporting on Governor Mark Sanford’s admission he sees his love interest from Argentina as his “Soul Mate”.
According to the theories I developed over many years and now bring to the world via this blog and my book titled, “The Mammalian Way” What Governor Mark Sanford was thinking has nothing to do with it.
What he’s actually facing that brought him to behavior that would violate the “rules of political sex scandal” is the everyday conflict that he along with billions of other male and female human mammals face earth wide within their relationships, especially their most inimate ones. And love does not necessarily have anything to do with it. According to my life long research this is swiftly becoming a fact of current day human existence.
In my book, “The Mammalian Way” I share through two new workable theories that brings a more complete big picture paradigm into the social sciences. I maintain that humans have instinctively developed over a long period of time two elaborate psychological defense mechanisms (one for women, one for men) that help us to contend with moment to moment survival amongst one another who have no choice but to live in an imperfectly safe world (environment). The main issue is, these defense mechanisms are now “trying” to modify our instinctive behavior such that it now runs a constant collision course with our learned behavior. It’s an earth wide issue and over the last few decades at least it has brought the human condition face to face with it’s own existence.
It boiled down to a discovery I made that took nearly three decades to piece together that lead to my authoring a couple new theories that render to the world a more complete paradigm in the social sciences. I call them “The Pendulum Swing of Insecurity” for women and “Perversions of Honor” for men.
How & why did this happen? The theory is quite simple in concept. There are two very elaborate psychological defense mechanisms unconsciously created & developed by human kind over a long period of time in order to contend with mostly instinctive behavior patterns as they emerge from the inner most area of the human condition into an ever increasing “Imperfectly Safe World (ISW)”.
Ironically, although the “ISW” is an environment that seems to be a fact of life I am convinced it is an unnatural state for the human condition and not one that human’s were designed to live under indefinitely. I know this sounds a bit existential but I am certain the issue lies in the conflict between human instinctive and human learned behavior, and it can be readily seen by observation of the defense mechanisms at work, as humans act out instinctive behavior that comes natural to all mammals.
Behavior I refer to as, “The Mammalian Way”. In essence, my book is an introduction to the defense mechanism’s story.
As for Governor Mark Sanford, if he would have read my work before he met his wife I doubt he would be dealing with what he’s got to deal with now. Bye for now.
I do not encourage comments on this blog. If you wish, you may email me, gary.jms1@gmail.com just copy and paste. I am the only one who reads that mail.
….the theories indirectly pose very definite answers to many of the more pervasive questions that have become a part of human culture. Questions such as, “Why do good girls like bad boys”? “Why do Men only seem to want one thing”? “Why are Women so difficult to figure out”? and more….
Professionally, my background is production. (TV, film, standard grass roots stuff, etc) Whatever legitimate way I could pay the bills.
Along that journey I discovered I had an ability to write and share useful information about relationships. (A spin off from a wider endeavor called Social Theory)
This has spawned from me a book that literally adds two new workable theories to the big picture paradigm in the social sciences. I discovered that humans have instinctively developed over a long period of time two elaborate psychological defense mechanisms (one for women, one for men) that help us to contend with moment to moment survival amongst one another who have no choice but to live in an imperfectly safe world (environment). The issue is, our instinctive behavior now runs a constant collision course with our learned behavior. It’s an earth wide issue and over the last few decades at least it has brought the human condition face to face with it’s own existence.
The question can be asked then, is there hope for humans? I say yes, absolutely. It just takes a little understanding of what we often take for granted (our behavior) and a little application of that understanding to make our lives, and especially our relationships with others more perfect under the circumstances we each face day to day.
On a lighter note, the interesting part (and why the book is worth the resources spent to read it) is the theories indirectly pose very definite answers to many of the open ended and more pervasive questions that have become a part of human culture. Questions such as, “Why do good girls like bad boys”? “Why do Men only seem to want one thing”? “Why are Women so difficult to figure out”? and more.
OR, TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY,
Application of the information shared in the book, “The Mammalian Way” will help to take away the pain or potential pain often associated with personal relationships and brought about because we are conditioned by our own society’s socialization process to “MISREAD” the actions and reactions of people’s instinctive behavior and especially the behavior of the opposite sex. Still, this book is not necessarily for everyone.
However, it is:
FOR ANYONE WHO FEELS LIKE THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST “WRONG” FOR THEM!
For women who feel they needed to “decide” between marrying safe and the Za za Zoom of love.
For men who get their heart broken every time they get into a relationship…and they have no idea the real reason(s) why?
For anyone who has come home to find an empty house or apartment because their “Love” interest has left them and can never provide a tangible explanation as to why?
For anyone who has heard the words, “I just don’t love you any more” spoken from the one who was supposed to be their “soul mate”.
For people who wish to avoid the “control freak” “Fatal Attraction” syndrome in relationships.
For people who are in a long term relationship and the “Za Za ZOOM” feeling that made it worth while in the first place has somehow evaporated.
For people who were burned in relationships to the point they now think that relationships, just like love….stinks!
For men who think that to approach women using the age old “numbers Game”, i.e., the more women you directly approach the greater the probability of meeting a woman willing to go out with you….is still the way to meet women….
For women who know, “Men only want one thing”, but can’t figure out much of anything else about men beyond that (and often do not admit it).
For women who constantly fake orgasm to keep him happy then masturbate for sexual release.
For women who “turned” gay or Bi in order to achieve true intimacy in the physical aspects of a relationship.
For men who think that they are the ones who “pick up women”.
For men who are phobic enough to not engage in conversations with women about subjects such as the Vagina, etc.
For men who are phobic enough about their manhood that they will not take the lead in a relationship with a woman.(For men who do not know enough or even how to take the lead in a relationship in the first place.)
For anyone who has cheated or been cheated on and wants to change that behavior.
For women and for men who truly want a relationship as perfect as possible.
For anyone who has been in or does not want to be in an abusive relationship.
For anyone who wants to improve their love (includes sex) life
For men who have never had “A” grade sex in their life (and probably does not even know what that means).
For anyone who loves “Love & Romance” but is afraid to trust it.
For anyone who materially “has it all” (house, business, condo at the beach, plenty money, trophy spouse, cars, etc) but senses that there is still something missing from your life….Something that you can’t quite put your finger on (pin point).
For anyone who wants their sex life to be fun and therapeutic.
For anyone who relates to what is conveyed here but has not read one specific to you.
Plus, as you learn to see and to utilize your new understanding of the Mammalian Way people become more predictable and tolerable because you will possess a more complete paradigm of “WHY” people behave the way they do, even when they don’t. Especially when that behavior runs contrary to what the social norms and mores of our culture might dictate.
All & all, understanding the Mammalian Way will provide you with a more tangible sense of peace and harmony with yourself and with others…and a silent ability, uniquely human trait that can be used to keep your world a physical & emotionally safer place to live. This is because human instinctive behavior that make up the Mammalian Way is predictable.
I do not encourage comments here. If you wish you may email me gary.jms1@gmail.com I am the only one who reads email sent there.
…. She shook her head no, started to cry and said to me, “No I don’t (Have an interest in him). The one and only time sex happened we were drunk. He came on to me. I was so very, very lonely and he knew it”….
So there I was sitting at the bar, drinking merlot, and minding my own business. Although I am not too regular a customer at this particular bar both female bartenders were friendly to me, they knew my name and the fact I was writing “some sort of book on relationships”.
Then, in walks a woman about thirty something, wearing nice jeans and a sweater. The only bar chair available was beside me and so she sat down. As she settled into the chair I did what I typically do in such situations,…..nothing. I did not speak with her. I did not look at her, not even a glance, because I know the mammalian rule; Women pick men, men do not pick women”.
Meanwhile, she (who for the purpose of this blog I will call “Wine Woman” or “WW”.) looked directly at my glass of red wine, pointed her finger at it and with exertion in her voice she asked, “What kind of wine is that”?
I looked at her and waited until she looked at me in the eye. Then I reached my hand over as an offer to shake hers and said, “My name is Gary, what’s yours”? She hesitated a moment but then reached out her hand, shook mine, and said, “WW”, then she looked back at my glass.
I said, “I’m drinking Merlot, do you want one”? With a hesitant voice she said “sure” but then said, “this is odd. I was in here two days ago and they said they did not sell room temperature wine”.
I smiled and asked, “Did you speak with a male bar tender named Blank”? She nodded yes. Then I laughed and said, “Blank does not know that the owners keep a private stash for me under the bar”.
Just then WW’s glass of merlot arrived. We tinged our glasses, took a sip and then she said, “This is very good. How do you rate your own stash”? I said, “I don’t think I rate. I just asked if they would order special for me and they said yes”.
From there the conversation stayed on wine for a while and eventually we exchanged phone numbers and made a date for a couple days later.
The date was pretty much dinner, wine, and then a choice between a movie (boring) or the bedroom. I am glad WW chose the bedroom because by the end of that date I realized we have two solid things in common; Red wine and Carnal knowledge. Oh yea!
The story does not end here although I digress a moment to verify that when two people meet and they simply allowthe “Mammalian Way” of things to naturallyunfold, most often each human will achieve a positive benefit from the encounter.
However, many times what seems to be all Blue Sky’s and such sometimes is lined with a cloud or two just over the horizon.
WW has a daughter (I will call Grad) who graduated high school in 2009. I found out that Grad has never met her father and when I met her for the first time a few months before graduation she seemed to be a bit estranged from her mother WW. I could tell their was an ever so slight estrangement between them the moment I saw the two of them together.
And,…just like you might be thinking right now, I assumed the strain between mother and daughter was based upon Grad not knowing her father. Well maybe that’s true. However, between the time I met Grad and the time WW and I mutually decided that our relationship would for now consist of, “Please, let me call you when I need to have a little fun”, WW told me that in a “weak moment” she had, “Slept with her daughter’s boyfriend”!
When I heard that my immediate reaction was to look around the room and say, “I’ve always wanted to meet Jerry Springer. This is as good a time as any”. What actually shocked WW was the fact I was not shocked by what she told me. Instead I said, “Now it all adds up…the slight estrangement I detected between you and Grad”. (FYI, Grad is 20, her boyfriend is 28, WW is 36.)
As this small revelation about WW’s life ensued she volunteered to me, “Gary I wish I could take it back. I wish I would have lied to Grad”. Then I chimed in, “No Way! Lying would have made it worse for Grad and for you in the long run. You did the right thing by telling the truth”. (I am positive I said the right thing in this case because in the time I got to know them I could “see” they were each trying to mend their mother-daughter relationship.)
But then I said, “I assume you have no interest in him”? WW shook her head no, started to cry and said, “No I don’t. The one and only time sex happened we were drunk. He came on to me. I was so very, very lonely and he knew it”. [Folks, WW’s statements here outline aclassic case of people caving in to mammalian forces in order fora female human to contend with the “Pendulum Swing of Insecurity” and a male human to contend with “Perversions of Honor”. (For more information on those terms you need to read my book)]
Meanwhile, the final question I posed to WW on that subject was, “What does Grad still see in him”? All that WW said back was, “Dick”. And that’s another blog.
I do not encourage comments here. If you wish you may email me gary.jms1@gmail.com I am the only one who reads mail sent there.
….Learn to read women like a book. It’s never been easier once you know what to look for…. Do you think I’m full of condensed Horse Crap!? Let me tell you, during the process to get my research into readable form and into practice, there were many times that I sure did……
Why me? I have been asked that question in one way or another by several people since the day I began to put forth the prospect that I had assembled new and useful psychological information in the form of elaborate & instinctive defense mechanisms made manifest as a result of human experience with current society & cultures earth wide.
Nearly anyone you speak with demonstrates a sense that something has changed about the nature of how people interact with each other. That’s not new.
It’s the fact that there is a distinct pattern to how humans act and react to each other in an ever increasing unsafe environment that allows for relative predictable behavior patterns that emerge as elaborate defense mechanisms (one for men, one for women) that tend to control behavior regardless of culture, age, social status, wealth, or the likes. This is what I have seen develop over nearly 35 years of research and study, and I’ve assembled my findings into at least one book.
Meanwhile, the main variable in my research seems to be the difference in how the gender’s act & react to each other…especially where sex can become a factor.
But wait! I am ahead of myself. Like a guide who knows that once you take the journey with me, a journey to the center of yourself perhaps, where much will be revealed to you about Y-O-U as well as others (and especially the opposite sex) it will serve you as a method or tool to recalibrate your own understanding of many everyday social norms that most people now think they already understand. And as long as people continue to assess their everyday social life using an incomplete if not an antiquated paradigm, you can expect an increase in the pain that current day humans often experience as they pass in and out of one relationship (biz or personal) after another.
But Wait! What about me? Why does Gary James get to share this more complete everyday social paradigm with the world?
In a world that produced Sigmund Freud, Carl Rodgers, B.F. Skinner, Jean Piaget, and yes even Dr. Phil, why amongst these pillars of the social sciences as well as the thousands of learned professionals from psychiatrists to social workers, why did I see the big picture before those who came before me.
Couple my rudimentary formal education in psychology and sociology with an aptitude and a voracious appetite to see the bottom line as well as the big picture of things in my life, along with a chance meeting and a couple other life’s choices I made, as an aggregate they seemed to have put me in an unusual if not a unique position where I was able to fetter out the facts related to two new theories in the social sciences that are manifest as elaborate psychological defense mechanisms by which most humans instinctively use to cope with their everyday environment. Actions & events that people take for granted as being isolated or independent situations have simply not been identified as part of an overall instinctive operation to cope.
Then just like a CSI detective, I collected and followed the evidence for nearly 30 years and drew my conclusions objectively (despite being a sexually straight male human and stricken with the condition known as, “all thoughts pass through my penis prism first”) I was able to make genuine conclusions that fit all the facts.
Accurate as they may be I have assembled these facts and conclusions into theories and how to use them in your everyday life to make any of the relationships you engage in more perfect than they are now, and how to avoid or diminish the pain you often experience while in a relationship, into a book titled, “The Mammalian Way” The book is an easy read and chock full of examples put in terms of sexuality, sexual behavior, and other humorous (anecdotes). You know….the sultry stuff of life. The stuff that’s interesting to read.
The book also sheds light on such questions as,
“Why do married people really cheat”? And how to avoid this from happening to you.
“Why do good girls like bad boys”? And how to have this knowledge work for you in a relationship.
“Why do men seem to only want one thing”? Learn to discern how men really react to women and what they really want.
“Why are women supposedly so unpredictable?” Learn to read women like a book. It’s never been easier once you know what to look for.
Do you think I’m full of condensed Horse Crap!? Let me tell you, during the process to get my research into readable form and into practice, there were many times I sure did.
However, as the bigger picture of human behavior unfolded in front of me and I put into practice the conclusions from the facts, it made my life and the lives of many other people happier and it helped to make people’s everyday relationships more perfect.
So visit back to my blog often and stay abreast of the new material I share. Also be on the look out for the release of the book titled, “The Mammalian Way”.
I do not encourage comments here. If you wish you may email me gary.jms1@gmail.com I am the only one who reads mail sent there. Best to you,
Copyright (c) Gary James 2009 all rights reserved.
….Her whispers like, “Oh my dear, you’re really strong down there tonight”! and, “I’m lovin your lovin my lover” are just two of the casual comments my girlfriend made during sex….
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[Plus, my girl friend is the one who noticed the actual physiological changes in my sexuality. We were NOT having problems and she did not know I was experimenting with various natural penis enhancement brands because of blog posts I wanted to write. Her whispers like, “Oh my dear, you’re really strong down there tonight”! and, “I’m lovin your lovin my lover” are just two of the casual comments my girlfriend made to me during what started out as routine sex, but morphed into a sexathon where both of us ended up strewn out naked all over the living room sweaty and spent.]
Talk about improved personal relationships, visit www.garyjamesblogs.comfor the complete story about the number one natural male enhancement experience. Meanwhile,
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….there are a couple of very powerful instinctive forces at work as the root cause for the insecure behavior in women. 1) Men instinctively see women as sex objects first and foremost. 2) Women are instinctively grossly insecure. And when these two instincts collide,….
For decades, from a Social Theorist’s perspective I’ve listened to women lament about their supposed “Lot in Life”. A lot that set off the “Women’s Empowerment Movement” as it were. Meanwhile,
Most recently I saw a small group of women on a morning TV news show in discussion of the question, “why after years of struggle, are women (especially young women) as a group or individuals no closer to achieving the confidence and self esteem” that men seem to possess. Not that they compared their selves to men, but they were talking about how despite years of effort, according to a poll taken, their daughters have little or no self esteem once they get past puberty.
The results of the poll they mentioned did not surprise me at all. However, as the women’s discussion became stymied over the question “what can be done about it” I could not help but smile because I pretty much know why women face the issue of low self esteem.
The fact comes down to one thing: Women’s gross sense of insecurity (the actual root cause of the low self esteem) is an instinctive-physiological fact of being born a human female. Yes, women’s insecurity is as instinctive as knowing when they are hungry or thirsty. [This concept is a part of the theories I write about in my book titled, “In Search of the Perfect Relationship”].
This instinctive insecurity can manifest over a woman’s life time in various forms. The one form that came up in the TV discussion as an example is what I refer to as, “Women’s pecking order” that begins with, “The Alpha Female”.
Whereby, as though it were a fulfillment of their insecurity drive (or even a perverse way to satiate the need) women instinctively and continually compare themselves to Alpha Females a/k/a the 10.
And it’s easy to spot, just look at the front cover of women’s magazines. The Alpha female’s (10) look is conveyed to the readers as the standard. Even though women as a movement currently seem to have a push toward a “down play” of women comparing themselves to super models and others who’s physical look find their way to the cover of magazines, the fact is, all women have the propensity to compare them selves to the illusion of the Alpha Female, an illusion that men fall for nearly all the time.
The thing I find interesting is, if women were to succeed in convincing magazine editors to dispense with the touched up photos of a beautiful women who does not seem to need touched up for the front cover, in order to induce a woman to purchase the magazine, what indeed would they replace it with?
I have no doubt women can find something other than an Alpha Female to put on a cover (Oprah Winfrey’s magazine “O” for example) but, if all magazine’s were to follow that lead it would leave a void as well as a wide open market for financial success to anyone who was willing to simply follow the bottom line of the way things are (and perhaps have always been). Namely, “Sex sells” and use it to sell magazines. The point I make here is actually mute because the magazines that use beautiful female models on the front cover to sell magazines to WOMEN is prolific to say the least.
For example, a touched up photo of an Alpha female on the cover of a magazine such as “Cosmopolitan” exudes sex appeal, and I doubt you will see Cosmo change that approach any time soon because the Cosmo editors know that selling the illusion in order to sell magazines works…..all the time! The fact that it’s motivated by a woman’s primal instinct of insecurity is of little relevance.
Bear in mind, the readership of Cosmopolitan et al., is also far more women than men. In other words women’s instinctive insecurity runs deep enough that women literally dress up for other women! The attraction in doing so is a very subtle intimidation of the “other than Alpha Women” to comply with the dress code and over all Look of the Alpha female (the cover girl)
Meanwhile, there are a couple of very powerful instinctive forces at work as the root cause for the insecure behavior in women. 1) Men instinctively see women as sex objects first and foremost. 2) Women are instinctively grossly insecure. And when these two instincts collide, women for example intuitively know these 2 facts all too well and so in order to achieve esteem (by virtue of men looking at them) they “sexify” their Look to not only attract men’s eyes but they also attract women’s eyes in the form of envy & vanity….and it all emanates from instincts.
Also, in addition to the instinctive issue for women to always try to match the physical beauty of a cover girl Look there is a powerful emotional force that reinforces the insecurity drive and that is the fact that physical beauty in and of itself is fleeting which adds to the over all insecurity that women feel about their looks and this also translates into a woman’s innate feeling of low self esteem.
I realize that my perspectives and theories do not always sit well with women’s empowerment as a movement, at least initially. Women often deny the fact that their insecure behavior is instinctive as opposed to learned. Most women I have spoken with who challenge my perspective often site the numbers of women involved as a movement, meant as though if all women fought against the instinctive behavior, that this alone would serve to institute real change. The issue is, when a force is instinctive you can’t fight it with learned behavior. Nature will win out every time. On the other hand when a woman reads my copy and reasons it out is when real change becomes possible. Or so I’ve been told, and it’s also what I’ve observed statistically in women’s behavior.
Given what I know about human behavior and the theories I’ve written, I predict that so long as women work toward and try to change the behavior of women against their own instincts it will be as valuable to women as is spitting into the wind.
So, will women ever become truly empowered on a personal level? Not so long as they fight against their own instincts.
However, the question that does remain is, “what do women do to improve their sense of self esteem” knowing their behavior insecurity issue is instinctive? There is an answer to that question but that’s another blog.
